Gratuitous Violence: Batter Up from Casino

Smoke of the Day - Scarlett Johansson as Natasha/Black Widow in Ironman 2

Scarlett Johansson really made my dick move while kicking ass and taking names in Ironman 2. She seems like a real classy broad too. Screw you Ryan Reynolds.

Review - Ironman 2

Guns. Check. Explosions Check. Slick f/x. Check. Cool sidekick (who may also be the most underrated actor in Hollywood). Check. Smoking hot female leads (when Scarlett Johansson is the 3rd hottest chick in the movie behind Gwyneth Paltrow and Leslie Bibb, you have some serious talent on your hands). Check. Quick, slick talking hero. Check. Ominous Villain. Check.

Ironman 2 came out blasting on all cylinders and never quit. This is what summer blockbusters are all about bitches. Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark is pure fucking genius. His sharp wit, and sarcasm left me dying through the entire movie. He is hands down the best cast superhero since Wesley Snipes as Blade, I would say, but infinitely more fun. Downey’s supporting cast didn’t have any slouches either. I have one thing to say about the chicks in this movie. SMOKE. There was one ass-shot of Scarlett Johansson in spandex that went straight into the spank bank (Thank you John Favreau). And I could watch Gwyneth Paltrow peel friggin’ potatoes. I wasn’t a huge fan of Sam Rockwell as Justin Hammer, mostly because he irritates the shit out of me as an actor, and he looks like a rat (have you ever seen Choke, or G-Force??)…. But maybe that was the point. Unfortunately, Don Cheadle’s talent is once again underutilized, but still puts in a solid performance as Tony Stark’s/Ironman’s sidekick Rhodey/Warmachine. He’s way better than Terrence Howard from the original Ironman though. This brings us to Mickey Rourke as super-villain Ivan Vanko… Dude is badass. This was the perfect role for Rourke, who gets to play a drunk whose prime years of genius were wasted in prison. Art imitates life right?

Overall, the movie had me rapt from beginning to end… completely passing the iPhone test. And despite the overabundance of characters (even Samuel L. Jackson made an appearance as Nick Fury), the script never deviated too far from the storyline. The action was flawless. The CGI was seamless. I’d say the best/most fun part was Iron Man vs. Warmachine after Tony Stark’s birthday about ½ way through the movie, which ends in a cataclysmic explosion nearly leveling Stark’s compound. Bring on Ironman3.

Notes:
- I loved the Captain America reference. I’m psyched for that ish.
- Samuel L. Jackson is a genius at making the ridiculous even more absurd.
-Gary Schandling’s quintuple chin makes me wanna throw up.
-I now want an Audi.

Rating: Dirk Diggler.

M.I.A. - Born Free

The fastest way to get on this blog is to get banned from YouTube for excessive violence and and explicit subject matter. I wouldn't usually post about a music video, but M.I.A and director Romain Gavras really banged this one out of the park. Sex, guns, armed troops, and a Ginger Holocaust make this one of my instant favorites, and internet sensation. The hands down, best part is when the soldiers force the Ginger kids to run through a live mine field a la Rambo 3... I think I can hear Eric Cartman creaming in his pants. I'm not really interested in M.I.A.'s political statements, but I guess she's trying to say that violence is everywhere, and can happen to anyone, blah, blah, blah, yaaaawwwn... Check out Romain Gavras' other work, "Stress" by Justice below.

Great Quote That Needs To Be In An Action Movie

"So what if you're bleeding? Blood cleanses the soul..." -Jeff Van Gundy talking about Cleveland Cavaliers Pussy (Uh... I mean Center) Anderson Varajao

Gratuitous Violence: Bathhouse Blitz from Eastern Promises

DVD Review - Daybreakers

A unique premise, well put together story and plotlines, and strong supporting cast (Willem Dafoe, Sam Neill, and Australian actress Claudia Karvan who needs to show way more skin) couldn’t save this Ethan Hawke vehicle from his complete inability to connect with an audience. I am still waiting for Hawke to register a human emotion that makes me care about his character (in any movie). As much as Denzel Washington carried him in Training Day, Dafoe carries him in Daybreakers. The basis of the story is that some sort of epidemic broke out some time ago, turning a majority of the world’s population into vampires, who proceeded to kill off the remaining humans for their blood. Human blood has become a commodity and the supply is running out. Hawkes character, Edward Dalton, is a sympathetic hematologist vampire who is morally reluctant to find a blood substitute for his corporate boss (Sam Neill as Charles Bromley), even though a blood substitute will solve the blood shortage.( I hate heroes with moral dilemmas, for the record, morals are for pussies.) Anyways, a few events lead up to Edward secretly befriending some hunted humans (Karvan and Dafoe) and finding a cure for Vampirism. After causing the capture and murder of a human cell, a vengeful Edward tricks Bromley into curing himself and sets off a chain of events in which the beginning of the end of the age of the Vampire has started. Overall, this movie didn’t even pass the iPhone test, in which I see how long into the movie I start messing around with my iphone and check for updated facebook statuses. That point probably happened about 20 minutes into the movie after Edward’s brother cut the head off of a Vampire with a butcher knife, which was the second best action scene in the movie, after Dafoe’s character, Elvis, being catapulted from a moving car, and catching fire midair (from sunlight)while doing back flips. The action was mediocre, although the directing (Michael Spierig) and cinematography was solid. It even featured a joke of a car chase and pretty standard issue Vampire f/x (plenty of blood, flaming corpses, and lots of dust). The saving grace is the premise which is probably the best in the Vampire genre since Let the Right One In(2008)(Sorry Twilight.Gag.).

RATING -Semi

Smoke of the Day: Claudia Karvan

This crossbow wielding Australian babe had my panties in a bunch after watching Daybreakers the other day. She can shoot me in the heart any day...

Gratuitous Violence: 20% from American Gangster

Let's Get PSYCHED!!!

The purpose of this blog is to pay tribute to the achievement that is the Great American Action movie. There will be no flowery, bombastic writing here. Here you will find refuge from the nausea inducing date movies, the seemingly never ending documentaries, and the intolerable love stories and melodramas. Here we celebrate the glory that the action genre has given us. Stallone, Schwartzenegger, Eastwood, these are the heroes that will populate this blog, not Jennifer Anniston and whatever assclown she happens to be dating at the moment. Here we are about heroes, villains, henchman, explosions, muscles, babes, and general all around ass-kicking. With that... we begin.